


through heartaches and new beginnings

by asilelili



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But it gets better eventually, Dark Past, Lim Changkyun | I.M-centric, Other, Past Abuse, Sad Lim Changkyun | I.M, anger issues, but pov will change, the others are assholes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-05-23 16:10:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14937578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asilelili/pseuds/asilelili
Summary: Nobody was expecting this. Not even Changkyun himself. He thought he got this covered. That everything was under control.But one remark changes everything. And he breaks.(I'm sorry I suck at summaries)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So Vixx isn't the only group in which I love a certain type of angst as you can guess by this  
> I mean... I hope you like it  
> I'm so thankful for every kudos, comments or even bookmarks I get ^^  
> So yeah enjoy!

Their bodies are sweaty and worn down. Practice is finally over. The others slowly start assembling their stuff, half joking half complaining. It's all fun and games.  
And he's excluded, of course, they wouldn't talk to him.  
He doesn't care. That's a lie but he keeps repeating it in his head. Like a mantra. Lie or not he keeps focusing on it.

"Are you coming back with us Changkyun?"

Hyunwoo breaks him out of his mantra.  
Confused, he doesn't think before blurting out his answer.

  
"Why?"

  
Stupid. Stupid Changkyun. He looks up to see the hurt on the older's face. That's just great. Now he's the asshole.

"For dinner of course. And you know... sleep and stuffs." he doesn't even sound mad; stupid Changkyun.  
He really should say yes. He always tries his best not to upset them. He really does. But the idea of having dinner with the others twists his stomach (maybe it's just the idea of eating at all too).

  
"Changkyun?"

  
The leader looks at him with that unreadable look in his eyes. He's the first and only person who's been at least civil to him since No Mercy ended. So he hates turning him down.  
But he just can't.

  
"I'm sorry hyung I'm gonna stay back a bit I have things to do."

  
He lowers his head. He doesn't want to see the others' expression.

  
"Okay."

  
It sounds bitter. Or maybe he's just going crazy...  
The older turns his back and start heading out, Kihyun by his side.

  
"Why do you always try to get him to go with us anyway?"

  
He shuts down his ears before hearing the answer. He doesn't need to know this.

 

And just like that, they're gone. Thank god.  
Changkyun waits a few minutes and grabs his stuff before heading out of the practice room. There really is something he needs to do. So that wasn't a lie...

  
  
The small gym next to the company building is the best thing that happened to him in a long time. It's a like a gift from the gods or something he's sure. Nobody ever comes here since there's a gym inside the building. So no Hoseok, no trainees, no nothing. Just him, those gloves and this punching bag.  
He punches and punches. Letting all the pressure and threatening anger release with each blow of his fists.  
He loses track of time, focusing only on the bag. Letting muscle reflex controlling him until he stops. But it's not enough. He needs more distraction from his mind.

  
He lets his music vibrate within his body, heads to the treadmill and he runs. He runs fast and hard. Body screaming in protest. But his mind is stronger. He runs and runs until his body gives up on him.  
A quick check: he's calm again. At least as calm as a kid with anger issues can be. It's okay.

  
"You're intense kid."

  
He jumps back in shock. The old man working at the counter is there, watching him.  
What the fuck? How long has he been there?

  
"Uuh... What?"

  
Old fellow chuckles. It's low and deep and strangely soothing...

  
"I said you're intense. You probably don't realize but you've been here for 5 hours straight, like that, boxing your life away and running like a crazy person."

  
5 hours... Holy shit.

  
"Oh my god I'm so sorry sir you probably want to close and everything I'm so so sorry..."

  
"Don't apologize. I have nothing to do anyway. You know I used to be a boxer too... I can know someone who needs it when I see it."

  
He really should go. But something about this man is so fascinating... and for once in his lifetime, he allows himself to be curious.

  
"Do you still box?"

  
Another deep chuckle.

  
"Oh no. I stopped at like 30 when I got my first kid. My wife made me."

  
"Were you sad?"

  
Old folk breaks into an adorable smile.

  
"Not at all. My kids are my entire life."

  
Something heavy installs itself into Changkyun's guts and he lowers his head.  
His kids are his entire life. He loves his kids. What an unfamiliar concept...  
All hints of good mood disappear in an instant.  
He grabs his stuff.

  
"I should go."

  
A hand grabs his arm and he flinches. Damn those bad habits.

  
"Wait, kid." His eyes meet the old guy's and all he reads is kindness and concern. Again with the unfamiliar concepts...

  
"Come back whenever you want. It's gonna be free for you."

  
What?  
He doesn't even register what happens but the hand let go of his arm and he's already so so late.  
He gives the old man a smile and heads out.

Only then does he checks the time: 3:30 a.m.  
He's fucked.

 

It's 4 a.m when he gets back in the dorm, all sweaty and gross, panting like crazy and trying to make as little noise as possible. He makes it to the kitchen and drowns a big glass of water. Then two. Then three. Until he's not hungry anymore. Bad habits.

  
"Changkyun?"

  
He almost drops his glass jumping.

  
"Hyunwoo hyung?"

  
The lights are on. Of course he woke up somebody. Stupid Changkyun.  
He can perfectly see the frown on the elder's face. His thoughts aren't clear enough for him to make up coherent lies at the moment. He hopes with every cell of his body that the elder won't ask quest-

  
"What are you doing here?"

  
Yeah. Every cell in his body isn't enough apparently.

  
"Came for a glass of water."

  
He gets a doubtful look. Yeah, even he wouldn't buy that...

  
"You're fully dressed. And your bag is right at your feet."

  
Way to make him even more suspicious. Well done Changkyun.

  
"Uh yeah... that..."

  
"Were you going somewhere?"

  
Well, that's unexpected. But he's willing to take any chance to get out of this mess.

  
"Yeah... Well, I woke up and I couldn't fall back to sleep so I wanted to go workout a bit."

  
A flash of annoyance travels through the leader's face.

  
"No. Don't. You go back to sleep I don't give a fuck if you can't sleep or not."

  
His tone is sharp and suddenly Chagkyun feels way to engrossed in his lie. Anger bubbling up down his throat.  
What's his fucking deal anyway? He never cared about Changkyun why would he start now? Don't talk back. Keep it in. You can do this.

  
"Ok."

  
He grabs his bag and head to his room. Pass by the bathroom to change, brush his teeth and head straight to bed. Maybe sleep will calm him down.

 

 

Sleep never came, sadly. It's been a long time since he last got a decent night of sleep. Of course, that doesn't improve his anger.

They have a schedule free day and the others decided to have a movie marathon. Of course he isn't invited. He wouldn't want to anyway.  
So there he is. In his room. Alone. Working on some lyrics he's been imagining lately. It's all good

  
Until it's not.

  
It's never a good idea to let his mind wander around. And like his little self-destructive mind is, his thoughts go straight to Boston and he only realizes he's in too deep when he starts shaking.  
Of course he fucking starts shaking. He's weak and he's always been weak. Always being a fucking victim. Little kid with anger issues who never fight back who never defends himself. Weak. Worthless. Useless. Talentless. Even his band members find great ways to remind it to him. They hate him. Just like everybody has always hated him. Just like he hates himself.

  
His room is suddenly not welcoming anymore. The walls are closing upon him. He can't do this. He needs to get out. To do something. Anything. 

  
There's his workout bag right in front of him. He doesn't think about it twice. In his head, he sees the old man's face, welcoming and so so nice. He grabs his bag and heads out. 

Nobody asks him where he's going. Nobody even pays attention to him. He lets a note on the kitchen counter saying he'll be back late and not to wait for him at dinner (like they would even consider it). They don't care. Neither does he. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okayyy so I don't know if some of you waited but I struggled a bit with the timeline in this and how long until I can put in the big downfall without it seeming too quick so that's why it took a little while to update  
> Buuuuut I did it!

 

 

"You know kid. This is the tenth night in a row you spent incalculable hours in here. It's not really good for you." The old man says, coming up behind him with a very appreciated water bottle. 

Changkyun chuckles. 

"I know... it's just I'm getting closer to debut so I need to get my mind out of things in some way." (and my members are treating me like I don't exist when they don't snap at me for no reason and it's becoming really hard for me to handle my anger problems lately). He doesn't say that. 

The old man makes a surprised face. 

"You're an idol?" 

"Oh yeah, I am." 

"Then what are you doing in my small gym? Don't you have a big one at your company?" 

He snickers. 

"Yeah true. But I'm not really on good terms with a lot of the trainees there so I enjoy this gym way better. Why? Are you already sick of me?" 

His voice is intended to be playful and fun but he can't help to notice the slight tremor as he speaks. That man is the only person who's been really friendly to him lately. What if he thinks he's a bother? What if he hates him for taking away his time? 

He must've noticed because one of his large hands lands on his shoulder, comforting him. 

"Absolutely not. I like you quite a bit actually. Plus you're a fantastic boxer I mean I would know... I just worry. You do spend a lot of time here and that's a very intense workout program you have here." 

Changkyun lowers his head. Worry. He worries about him. Nobody ever worries about him. He feels a warm feeling spreading through his chest. For a little moment, he almost feels good. Of course, that doesn't last long. 

"Do you at least eat when you go back to where you live?"

For the past weeks, he never had to lie to the old man. Not even once. Somehow when it comes to him, Changkyun is very reluctant as to doing anything remotely bad.

But when it comes to his eating habits. He can't help but get defensive. And every time he gets defensive, a lie comes out of his mouth. Again with the bad habits. 

"Of course yes." 

He gets a relaxed smile and it feels terribly wrong. 

"You should get back now. It's already pretty late I wouldn't want you to be sleep deprived." 

Another stab of guilt. He quiets it down and throws him his most brilliant (and convincing) smile. 

"I will. You should get back to your wife too she must also be worried." 

The old man laughs then. And everything is worth it if that means he can hear that laugh. 

He grabs his stuff and heads out. Not without thanking the old man for letting him in.

It had been almost three weeks since their first encounter and since then he didn't pay a single time for his entry. And like that he heads to the dorms quietly. 

 

It's midnight when he gets there. The dorm is tranquil and dark, everyone's probably sleeping, and he's starving. 

Truth be told, he's been working on one meal a day for about a month now. With the debut date coming closer and closer, he finds himself going back to his old habits to help control his emotions. He still remembers the time, as a teen, when he went a full month on water only and around an hour of sleep per night, how he fainted during an important business meeting, how much he got beaten up because of it. He shakes his head. Let's not think about that. 

He stares at the cup of ramen he just finished cooking. It ends up untouched, in the trashcan. He tells himself he's not hungry. He doesn't need food. He needs a shower. He's in control. 

 

The water is melting on his body and it soothes his aching muscles. And that's when he feels the backlash of the anger, the moment the adrenaline runs off, that's the moment where he _allows_ himself to feel. 

And he feels miserable. He always did, he's used to it, he tells himself. But it's not true. He'll never get used to it. Not when he experienced how it feels to be okay for once.

Nu'Bility was the happiest he's ever been, he felt better, fixed. Until he broke again when they announced their disbandment. They still keep in touch and for a while that was the only escape he had, that is until old man and his gym. He smiles at the thought, remembering the stories of the old boxer, his care, his kindness. He missed that... 

He gets out of the shower. Emotional moment over. Avoiding any eye contact with the mirror, he quickly puts on his pajamas and heads out. It's 1 a.m. He heads straight to bed, being very careful not to wake up his roommates. He settles in his bed, knowing very well that he won't sleep. 

 

 

"Changkyun what the fuck? Yesterday you were fine but now you randomly decide to mess up the choreo?" Hosek barks out at him. 

They've been rehearsing since the morning, morning where he didn't get even an hour of sleep (for a change), morning where his body was so sore that he walked in slow motion, morning where he got scolded by the manager for putting on weight (where in reality he just layered his clothes not to look suspiciously thin and that regardless of the heat), morning where his members starting snapping at him the first minutes of practice because he messed up one or two steps in a dance he knew but it was all just too much.

It's lunchtime, they're all exhausted and annoyed. He's angry. He just shuts his mind. 

"Don't talk to him you know very well he doesn't talk to us. Guess we're not good enough for him." Hyungwon always interferes the minute Hoseok snaps. It's always the same, Hoseok snaps, and the second after that he's backed up by Hyungwon. 

Then 1

And 2

And 3

It's Minhyuk's turn. 

"Fucking respond you brat!" His voice is biting and ferocious.

It's funny. They seem so mad and he, the quiet one of them, he's the one with the anger problems. 

He mutters a quiet "Sorry hyung. I'll do better." without any application behind it. He's too tired to care. 

Next step is Hyunwoo trying to calm everyone while discreetly Jooheon and Kihyun go and quiet down the three Furies. 

"Alright let's take a break, shall we? We're all hungry. Let's go and grab some lunch. How about takeout?" 

And just like that, they calm down. If only it was as easy as that to calm him down...

He lowers his head, mumbling something about not feeling hungry, and waits for them to get the fuck out of the room. 

They finally go. He doesn't wait for another minute before smashing his fist into the nearest wall. And hitting, hitting and hitting until he breaks out of his angry daze when he sees blood. Not metaphorically. His hands are shaking and they hurt like hell but most importantly he's bleeding, and it's dripping on the floor. 

He takes off one of his shirts and wraps it around his fist, grimacing at the pain. If nothing's broken he'll be lucky. And he takes off another shirt because it's too damn hot in this practice room. If the manager comes in, he'll know his weight gain is bullshit and he'll get scolded even more. But he doesn't care. 

He takes out his phone, contemplating the number the old man gave him "if he ever needs to talk" with his warm voice and charming smile. And without thinking too much, he hits call. It answers almost immediately. There's no turning back. 

"Hello?" 

"Uh hi, this is Changkyun from the gym. I'm so sorry for disturbing you but you gave me your number and I... well just..." 

"Oh hi kid! Don't worry about me I have all the time in the world. But how're you doing? did something happen?" 

Even over the phone, his voice is kind and comforting.

"Like... is the gym open today?" 

"I'm sorry kid it's not. But why?" 

His shoulders deflate. No boxing for him. Not that he could do anything with the state of his hand... Stupid Changkyun.

"Oh no just I needed a bit of help and..." 

"You can always come and visit me." 

"Visit you?"

He has a bad feeling.

"At the hospital." 

The what? 

"I'm sorry what?" 

"The hospital. I had a bit of a health problem, you know old people... but I'm allowed visitors. You can come right now if you want."

Now if there is one thing Changkyun hates it's bringing back memories. And god knows what memories hospitals bring back. Yet, he answers without hesitating. 

"Okay give me the address." 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please please please tell me what you think and if you have any writing advice or storyline suggestions.  
> Oh and by the way. The thing mentioned in the summary of the fic will happen in like the next chapter and pov will change I think chapter 3 is Changkyun centric and then chapter 4 will change pov.  
> But anyways I'll try to update quickly but I'm going on vacations so I won't have a lot of time to write BUT I'LL TRY


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I can't stand being without my computer and wanting to write it's really hard  
> buuuuut I made it and I'm so sorry for the wait I'll try to make it as quick as possible for the next one

 

 

He doesn’t even remember how he got back to the practice room. Or how he managed to make it until the end of training. He remembers vaguely excusing himself and barging off to a random secluded room, ending up like this, curled up in a ball in a dark corner of a dark closet.

To say the visit didn't go well would be a lie. The old man was his usual self, cheerful and as nice as can be. He met his wife, a characterial yet nice lady who welcomed him with open arms, already knowing everything about him. They talked and had an overall good time and even got his knuckles quickly treated (without any exams or anything thank god).  
Yet Cangkyun couldn't enjoy it to the fullest. The dread that came over him as soon as he entered the hospital didn't leave him one bit.

He realized that something wasn't right the moment the lady at the front desk directed him towards the cardiology department. And then he knew something was wrong when he stepped into the room. Ending up face to face with a devastated looking wife and a very sick looking old man.

It was in fact very serious.

The old man had survived cancer but at a cost. The very heavy chemotherapy he was subjected to caused heart problems and because of his age, he found himself having strokes from time to time. But it got more and more frequent so he had to be charged into the hospital.

The gym would be closed until further notice and the wife told him they might close it permanently. But Changkyun wasn't thinking about himself t that moment. Heck he wasn't thinking about anything but that dreadful word. A word that scared the crap out of him because of what it triggered in him. A word that made him step out of his mind from the moment he came out of the hospital to now. 

Cancer. 

  
Alone in the corner of his dark room, he starts to shake again, his mind clouded by a black fog of negativity. Why does everything in his life have to be ruined because of cancer?

There's a reason why he hates hospitals so much. Every time it reminds him of his mom and how she was in the last days. How he was then left alone with him. How miserable he became. How to this day he still wears his emotional scars. All of that because of cancer. 

And suddenly, a wave of overpowering rage traves right through his body.

He stands up. He can't do this. He needs to do something.

 

And that's how he finds himself at the company's gym. Just there. Standing at the entrance, knowing very well who he'll see. But he's that desperate. His entire body is shaking and the pressure of the anger in his chest hurts to contain. Everything hurts.

  
He just wants to box but the wounds on his knuckles are too fresh to be messed up with at the moment. So he heads up to the treadmills and he runs, ignoring everything around him.

  
He doesn't know how long he stays there but at some moment, a hand comes in contact with his shoulders and he physically flinches out of the treadmill. Only to be face to face with Hoseok.  
And he thoughts he would do okay with his anger, seeing his face triggers another level of anger inside of him. He silently prays to be able to contain it until he gets to the dorms.  
But until that, he has to bear with the word vomit of insult that might come out of Hoseok's mouth at any moment. 

  
"What the fuck are you doing here?"

  
_And some people call him a fucking sunshine..._

_Come on ke_ _ep it together Changkyun._

  
"I'm working out."

  
The other shot him a glare and snickers. 

  
"Yeah right. You do really need to lose some weig..."

  
He cuts himself in his sentence as his eyes travel towards Changkyun's body. From his layers of shirts he forgot to put back on to the bloody bandages on his knuckles.

He must look very miserable because the older shuts his mouth, lowers his head and turns his back on him. Only muttering a quiet "Just so you know we already ate without you." before getting out of the gym.

 

He gets back to the dorms exhausted. It's 3 a.m, he stayed there for 5 hours with no break. His muscles bearly support him.

But debut is coming close, and he needs energy. He has to eat. Unfortunately. He grabs an apple in the fridge and bites into it. It takes every ounce of will not to throw it all up but he does it.

He doesn't finish it just because he can.

He's in control.

And if he isn't there's always that bottle of emergency pills that he can take to turn into an emotionless zombie. That's always better than anger. But he hates them so they're in case of emergency, some mornings where he feels like blowing everything up. They happen. They're bad. 

 

He only grants himself a quick shower and head to bed.

For once in his lifetime, he's tired. And as soon as he rests his head on the pillow his mind shuts down and he allows himself to enjoy the warmth of the unfamiliar sleep that welcomes him. It, unfortunately, doesn't last long. 

 

He spends two weeks like this. Stuck in this haze that is his mind. Working out like an insane person, going home at wild hours of the night and passing out in his bed. Only to wake up a few hours later if he's lucky or a few minutes when he's not, completely awake, left alone to drown in his mind.

He tries to take time to visit the old man as often as he can and those times are the only breaks his mind lets him have. 

But he lives on the edge, the treadmills can only offer so much and his body is far from eternal, his knuckles have doubled in size and carry a very scary looking patter of blue purple yellow and green shades that he hides with the now too big sweaters he wears to hide his weight loss. Of course, his self-destructive brain keeps hitting those damn fits on the walls (explaining the knuckle situation). 

The jabs and insults of the others are basically white noise for him. He actually does a good job at practice so they keep their mouths shut. And when they don't he just clenches his fists and focuses on the pain he feels on his knuckles to calm himself down. It usually works until he can get out and punches the nearest wall or just heads to the gym. 

He knows he won't manage to keep it in for too long.

He doesn't even believe in himself anymore.

 

 

Three days before debut he wakes up screaming. Tearing himself from a nightmare. His body is drenched in sweat but he's so cold, so cold. He remembers the times where he was locked up in that dark cold cave in the mansion. His breathing is erratic.  _Pull yourself out of it Changkyun goddamnit._ He's so weak. So weak. Why is he so weak, incapable of doing anything with himself, incapable of achieving anything. So so weak and so unnerving. He hates himself. He hates all of it. He can't take it anymore.

He needs his meds. 

He manages to stumble out of his bunk. If he woke up anyone with is screaming, they don't seem to care all that much.

His pills are hidden at the bottom of a pile of shirts he doesn't wear anymore. He takes it out and frowns. It's suspiciously light and doesn't make any sounds when shaken. Dread installs itself in his chest and he opens it, revealing nothing. The bottle is empty. He stays frozen for a minute. This can't happen. This just can't. 

His mood changes instantly, like an electroshock. He crumbles. His legs don't support him anymore. He collapses on the floor, holding his empty pill bottle like it holds the meaning of his life. 

"What are you doing on the floor?" 

He flinches. Minhyuk's voice is not what he wants to hear when he's like this. 

"Nothing."

He doesn't have enough energy to be polite. He just needs to get out of there before he blows something up. 

"Yah why are you up so early you brat it's a free day and you disturb me in the morning like that?" 

If he keeps talking, something bad is going to happen. He grabs his sports stuff and heads out. Ignoring the "Where the fuck do you think you're going?!" screamed from behind him.

He goes to the gym. Not realizing that in his rush, he left his pill bottle on the floor. 

 

It's 9 a.m when he gets out of the gym. He ran with his fists clenched. The pain is almost unbearable but he had no other choice.

He needs to do something, anything. He opts for practicing the dance for Trespass, he doesn't want to get any sort of criticism from the other assholes. But the practice room isn't empty and he finds himself face to face with the one and only Hoseok.

What the fuck is wrong with this day?!

"Changkyun-"

"Don't." He cuts him, anger bubbling through his skin. "I've had enough of your fucking bullshit just let me have one day where I can worry about everything else but your fucking desire to ruin my entire life!" 

He screams that last line. The shock on the elders face is enough to tell him that he fucked up.

For a moment he gets so terrified of him. He blinks his eyes and the elders' face morphs into his fathers and he's back to his teenage years, stumbling back terrified while he advanced toward him, belt in his hand, disgust in his eyes. 

He whimpers a pathetic "Please don't hit me." before he returns back to reality. 

Hoseok is looking at him weirdly. He can't focus on it, his mind is foggy. He needs to get out of here. 

"Changkyun..." 

He doesn't hear the end. He turns around and runs. It's like he didn't just spend three hours running, he doesn't want to be there anymore he doesn't want to be anywhere. He has nowhere to go. He goes out of the company but he doesn't stop running. He just wants to get as far away from this shithole as possible.

  


  


  


It's lunchtime when he's back (he got lost and it's embarrassing). His nerves are a bit quieted down but he feels like anything could make him snap.

He tries to be as quiet as possible but luck is just not on his side today. 

"So I was in the practice room and Changkyun screamed at me." 

He freezes. Hoseok didn't say it in a mean way or with any trace of anger in his voice but he couldn't be more stupid. As soon as the words leave the older's mouth, the atmosphere gets colder.

And just like that, at the worst timing in the world, Changkyun's eyes meet Minhyuk's cold ones. And all hell breaks loose. 

"Who the fuck do you think you are?!" 

This gets everyone's attention and now six pair of eyes are watching him and only one of them isn't lookng at him with disgust and anger (surprisingly it's Hoseok).

Minhyuk keeps ranting. 

"Seriously, the nerve you have to show up here after what you did to Hoseok... You ungrateful bastard you should be at our feet because we can stand your presence is this dorm with us. You should be making yourself invisible because you do not deserve to be here and you don't deserve anything!" 

His voice cuts deep into his soul. He clenches his fists as hard as he can. But this speech is way too familiar for it not to hurt him so deeply. And unfortunately, it's not over. 

"What now you're not gonna fucking answer? You're just gonna shut the fuck up like you always do?! I'm sure you're used to doing that. I'm sure you're one of those kids. The bullied ones, no friend, that loser in the corner. I'm sure your parents hated you too." 

That triggers something in him and his head shots up immediately as he glares into Minhyuk's hateful eyes. He has no right to talk about that.

The pain doesn't help anymore. His fists are shaking like there's no tomorrow. It take everything in him not to move and it hurts so much it hurts it hurts it... 

"Yeah that's right you're one of these messed up kids right? What happened to you? Didn't mommy love you? Did daddy hit you?" 

Silence falls down on the room. 

Changkyun's mind goes blank. 

Before he realizes it, he has the older pinned against the wall, a hand around his throat. 

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okayy so that was it what did you think of my big downfall does your heart hurt yet?  
> Anywayyys I need to ask you something. So Do you want me to write an entire chapter about Changkyun's past (which would come after this n and then the story will continue like normal) or do you want me to say it in a conversation or in multiple conversations or something or last option I could only say a little bit and leave the rest as a mystery. You tell me in the comments and I'll see. 
> 
> So as always thank you for reading and leaving kudos and bookmarking and commenting I really appreciate that especially comment I love getting feedback and constructive criticism.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow that was hard  
> I was facing the most annoying writer's block ever and I went on vacations far away and had 0 time to write I'm SO sorry  
> plus I got so caught up in writing Changkyun pov that I had such a hard time writing in another person's pov (oops)
> 
> I hope you like it and as always thank you for every kudos, bookmarks and comments I get!

 

 

 

"Yeah that's right you're one of these messed up kids right? What happened to you? Didn't mommy love you? Did daddy hit you?"

The words leave Minhyuk's mouth and hit everyone like a slap in the face. Or at least to Jooheon it does. But considering everyone falls silent he's sure they all feel the same.   
All eyes are on the maknae. And they all see as his face goes from livid to dark in a blink of an eye.

None of them react when suddenly, he slams Minhyuk against the wall, a hand around his throat. No one does anything when his fist rises in the air, ready to hit. 

It's the scream that wakes them all up from their trance. 

"Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!"

It sounds so hateful and terrifying that Jooheon wants to curl into a ball even if he's not on the receiving end.

It's not him. It's Minhyuk. 

He takes a step forward, ready to defend his best friend with all his might, but stops almost immediately as his eyes trail over the younger's body.

They fall on his hands, and he steps back, horrified. He's never seen such thing. Both his hands display horrendous bruises and from the look of it, it almost looks like his knuckles are twice the size they should normally be.

He notices the wince on Changkyun's face as he adds more pressure to the older's neck and his shaky balled fist on his other arm. He notices wrists thinner than should be. He notices a bony face, pale as death with huge purple eyebags. 

The kid's a mess. 

And when he looks into his eyes. He sees anger, of course he does, but he also sees such an overbearing pain in them that it knocks the air out of him. 

 

Then, everything happens in slow motion. His balled fist comes closer and closer to Minhyuk's face. Hoseok and Hyunwoo jump from their seat and while one of them tackles Changkyun to the ground, the other collects a shaking Minhyuk in his arms. Hyungwon and Kihyun rush to the latter's side. And Jooheon watches as the beaten down kid fights to get out of Hoseok's iron grasp like a crazy lion. 

"Calm the fuck down you brat!" Hyungwon screams at Changkyun "You're lucky I don't beat you up!" his attention goes back to Minhyuk "Are you okay Minnie hyung? Don't worry it's okay it wasn't your fault." 

The older whimper and whisper something to the tall visual. And for some reason, Jooheon has to fight back a sneer of annoyance as the scene continues in front of his eyes.

"What did you say hyung?" Hyungwon responds in a sickly sweet voice as he goes closer to hear the incoherent blabbering of Minhyuk.

"Honey? You want Jooheon?" All heads turn to him. "Jooheonnie hyung wants you." 

His best friend wants him, but he doesn't move. His eyes traveling from his friends to the wild beast at the other corner. All he can think of is-

"You shouldn't have said that hyung."

Silence again. 

"What?!" Minhyuk looks like he's in his right mind again. How surprising. Wasn't he shaken to the core a second ago?

 _What am I thinking of?_ Jooheon mentally slaps himself in the face.  _They're my friends. My best friends. What's wrong with me?_

But the kid is right there. All miserable and broken. And Jooheon keeps repeating the entire scene in his mind. Something ugly forms into him, and somehow, it all comes from his friend. 

"You caused this hyung. You shouldn't have snapped at him like that and you definitely shouldn't have said that."

Silence again.

He can't even bring himself to look into Minhyuk's eyes and he walks past him to crouch next to Changkyun. Said kid looks still and actually is staring at him with wide apprehensive eyes. He makes eye contact with Hoseok and with a nod, he lets go of the kid and sits on the floor, rubbing the younger's arm as if he's trying to calm him down.  _Weird._

"Come on Changkyun." He tries to say in his most engaging voice. "Let's get out of here shall we?"

He offers a nervous hand. Wishing with all his might that the youngster will trust him enough to take it. Surprise paints itself on the kid's face. But slowly he takes the proposed help and they both get on their feet. 

"I'm coming with you guys." Hoseok intrudes. Looking hopefully in Changkyun's direction. 

"Okay hyung." 

The maknae's voice is hoarse and pained and the lack of life in it makes Jooheon's blood run cold. He shivers. He feels inside himself such a need to protect the kid and it came out of nowhere. He never cared for him. Why is he responding like this now? 

They don't even watch the others as they head to the bathroom. 

 

 

 

"Oh my god Changkyun..." 

He can't believe it. The kid's knuckles look horrifying. He doesn't know what to say or what to do. 

"Jooheon." 

Hoseok looks extremely serious. His voice is low and solemn. 

"Yes hyung?" 

"I've seen injuries like these on knuckles. I have an idea about how it got here but Jooheon listen to me. I've never seen anything like this before. It's bad."

Jooheon feels like a thousand of tiny insects are crawling down his spine. 

"How bad hyung?" 

He doesn't need to ask that question. He knew that the moment he saw the younger's hands up close. Yet he needs to hear it, to believe he's not crazy. 

"Hospital bad." 

"No!"

Their heads snap towards the panicked maknae. His eyes are blown wide and his entire body is shaking.

"I'll promise I'll get better I'm not gonna do that again but please no hospitals. Just. Please."

It's almost like he's begging. And for some reasons, Jooheon hates it. He hates it so much he just wants to hug the poor kid. But why? He hates him right? 

But one look at the pitiful boy in front of him and his heart aches again. No. He doesn't hate him. He couldn't.  

"Changkyun" Hoseok's voice is dripping cold, but Jooheon can feel the blooming spark of concern in his tone. At least he's not alone feeling like this. "Your hands are in such a horrendous state. You can't NOT go to the doctors or the hospital. You just can't it's not gonna get better. It's pure mad-" 

"I'm sorry to cut you hyung. But I can deal with it. It's not the first time anyways."

The younger's shields are back on again, his tone sharp and emotionless. His attitude changed in a flash Jooheon almost can't see his panicking state in his eyes anymore. Keyword. Almost. And the ugly feeling that twists his guts and makes his heart ache only deepens. His brain only focusing on a distinct point.

_What does he mean not the first time?_

But before he can ask, the younger cuts him again. 

"Now if it reassures you. Even tho it won't - I still don't know why you're being nice to me - I need to head to the pharmacy to pick something up. I'll buy what I need to take care of these and we can all go back to our lives, you hating me, me making myself invisible for your own little comfort of not having me around. And you leaving me the fuck alone." 

The words uttered stab him in the guts and Jooheon wants to cry.

He is disgusted with himself. How could he do that? How could he make the younger feel so miserable, feel like they all hated him, feel like it's better to be alone than to be around them? He can't believe they did this. HE did this. 

A single tear escapes from his eye and it doesn't go unnoticed. Hoseok circles him with his arms, tracing soothing circles on his lower back but he recoils from the contact. He doesn't deserve comfort.

"Jooheonnie, why are you crying?" Hoseok makes his voice comforting, but it irks him even more.

_Why is he concerned about me? Why? Why? **Why?**_

Not able to contain it anymore, he breaks into loud and uncontrollable sobs.

"I'm... so... sorry Chang... kyun." He manages to mutter. 

_What a shitty apology._

And while he doesn't get an answer, his mind goes crazy. 

_He hates me. I'm too late. I'm responsible for this kid's state just because I've been petty and acting like a toddler. What am I gonna do? I can't live with this. I'm never gonna forgive myself. I'm a failure. I-_

"It's okay hyung." 

The voice is small and emotionless. But there's that little something, and it might just be in his head but there are no signs of hate nor resentment in Changkyun's words. So, clinging to this little spark of hope, Jooheon manages to stop crying. 

Unfortunately, it only lasts a few seconds before the third person in the room decides to open his mouth. 

"Is it tho?" 

He almost forgot Hoseok. The latter's voice is ice cold and full of frustration.

"Is it Changkyun? Goddamnit look what you did to yourself! Look at your hands! Look at you! You're a fucking mess! You-"

"Don't you dare fucking tell me this hyung. I know you both pretend to care because you feel guilty. You don't care about me. You just want to make it up to me because you think this is your fault and your brain can't bear with the guilt of it. Well, let me tell you something. It IS your fault, but you're not the fucking center of the universe! So don't fucking dare talk to me unless you really actually care about my well being and not just your ego who can't stand being the bad guys." 

He gets up so fast they both flinch, causing Changkyun to scoff. 

"Now look who's afraid of who. I thought I was a mess?" 

And he storms out of the bathroom slamming the door with an intensity Jooheon never thought he had in him, leaving the two alone in a weighting silence. 

Until Hoseok opens the door muttering a quiet yet audible "Can't leave him alone." before storming out himself. 

 

Jooheon is alone. Jooheon is devastated. And for the first time in forever, Jooheon hates himself.

His legs give up on him and he breaks down on the cold bathroom floor.

_What have we done?_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yep it was Jooheon in the end
> 
> I honestly don't really know if I like this chapter or not. But I feel like after the huge writer's block and difficulty of character change (I rewrote it almost 3 times changing the person) it could've been worse
> 
> Soooo should I go back to Changkyun, stick with him or change?  
> You tell me!  
> And I hope you liked it and give me feedbacks (I love reading your comments so much!!!)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I can't keep apologizing for taking a long time to update you're gonna get sick of it BUT I really am sorry  
> Thing is I don't have a beta and so I have to reread everything myself and you know what they say you are yourself's worst critic right? Well right and so I spend a lot of time rewriting everything and rechecking everything and just wow I'm sorry  
> Plus school started again and it is quite intense, to say the least (let's say if I don't break down until exams then I'm officially a god) 
> 
> okay I'm over with the rant 
> 
>  
> 
> As always I'm so grateful for every kudos bookmark and comments I get so thank you thank you thank you!

 

 

 

 

Hoseok is out of breath when finally Changkyun stops running. And HE is supposed to be the athletic one.

He follows him as he steps into a very small pharmacy, watches him as he talks to the pharmacist, giving her a piece of paper. She nods in understands and picks up a bottle of pills for him. The younger then briefly shows her his hands and not without a spark of concern, the old lady is gone at the back.

Silence falls in the small pharmacy. 

It's driving him crazy, the silence brings out all the problems streaming inside his head. What is that bottle of pills? Did Changkyun really do this to himself intentionally? Is it gonna be just like his old best friend all over again? Why did he miss the signs? Why did he continue on hating him where he never did anything wrong to any of them? Why did he ever think he would be a good enough leader if he doesn't care for all of his members? Hyunwoo talks to Changkyun. Hyunwoo deserves everything Hoseok wants in life. Hyunwoo is a better person than him. Hoseok is a piece of shit. Hoseok is a piece of shit.  _I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of..._

"I know you followed me." The younger suddenly speaks, cutting him out of his own loophole of nasty thoughts.

His voice is raspy and broken and somehow that hurts him even more and he hates himself even more and... 

_Focus on something Hoseok._

So he asks, pointing at the pill bottle.

"What are those?" 

His voice sounds nothing like a confident voice. He's shaky and sounds terrified. Of course, it doesn't go unnoticed. 

"Since you're already so scared of me it's probably for the best if you don't know." 

And Hoseok is scared. Honestly, he's lived something similar before and that thought terrifies him. But it hurts so much to hear the young kid in front of him believe that he could only be scared OF him and not FOR him. And Hoseok is terrified, yes, that's a fact. But he is terrified for the younger.

He feels himself shaking reminiscing all that day, watching this kid break over and over again.

Starting from the practice room to now, Hoseok spent the entire day worrying for him. And it's slowly killing him inside. 

_Contain yourself._

He takes a deep breath, calming himself down.

"I'm not scared of you what are you saying. I could break you in half." 

And it's true. The kid is so skinny a mildly strong breath of wind could send him flying away.

That's another thing to add to his list of concerns.

"Maybe I already am." 

His guts revolt at the cynical sound of the youngster's voice. He hates this. He despises this. 

What happened to someone so young to be so broken?

Somehow he doesn't want to know but that's the only thing he wants to know. He doesn't want to know why he exploded like this, he doesn't want to know why he flinches so much. He really doesn't. But something inside himself is stronger than this repulsion and wants to know everything about this kid. And he hates that. 

He can't calm himself down any longer. He has to do something or else he'll go insane. 

"Don't be stupid. Now, what is that?" He asks. Voice cold and angry. 

He regrets this the microsecond after. 

The flinch he causes in the younger is something he never wants to see ever again. That and the way his eyes fall immediately to the ground, avoiding any eye contact, completely cutting himself off. 

It's with a shaky and bearly audible voice that he responds. 

"Tranquilizers." 

And quite frankly, he isn't sure why it gets to him so much. Part of him knew that people don't just ruin their hands and slam people to walls all the time. But hearing it makes it so real, makes him hate himself even more. Because the kid has issues. The kids need help. And none of them moved their little fingers for him. 

But again, Hoseok is making it all about himself when he should be focusing on Changkyun. 

_Get yourself together Hoseok. You can fix this._

He opens his mouth only to close it again. Thinking for the right thing to say, how to say it, how to fix everything. 

And finally. He knows what to say. 

"Changk..."

"Okay honey I got a few things you could need to ease with the pain but sugar you should go to the hospital they may be able to help more than me." 

The pharmacist is back. The moment is broken. Hoseok's courage vanished. 

Changkyun turns his back on him, pays for the medicines and heads out. Just like he did to him and Jooheon a few minutes ago. 

Except he won't accept to stay here shell-shocked like the latter. He is Shin Hoseok and he needs to repair the damages he made. 

 

It's like an electroshock. Suddenly he needs to tell Changkyun everything that goes through his mind. 

So he says his farewell to the pharmacist and starts running after him again. Except for this time he doesn't have to run for too long since the younger is right there next to the pharmacy, leaned against the wall, waiting for him. 

He takes this chance. 

"Changkyun I want to talk to you. It's important." 

He gets a nod. Better than nothing right? 

He is confident, he can do this.

"Let's go somewhere else?' 

He takes a step forward, and when he's able to, he reaches out to the youngest and gently grabs his wrist. No flinch. He takes this as a good sign and starts running, dragging the other with him.

The future might be uncertain but he only cares about Changkyun right now. And as confusing as it can be, he won't allow himself to let this one go just because he is supposed to hate him. He won't. 

And so they run. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo did you like that? 
> 
> If you did I'm glad! tell me about it!  
> If you didn't I'm glad! tell me about it!  
> If you liked it and didn't like it at the same time then that's great! Tell me about it!  
> You know I'm a sucker for feedback and constructive criticism so go ahead unleash your demons! 
> 
> Again thank you and I'll see you in the next chapter ( which I may or may not have already started so it might come really quickly ;p )


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look I'm back and not a month later! I finished it as fast as possible!!  
> I hope you'll like it as much I liked writing it! It was very fun and I can say that I missed writing Changkyun's pov. It's the one that goes the smoothest I don't know if you can feel it 
> 
> So as always I'm thankful for every kudos, bookmarks and comments I get.  
> Thank you for and keeping up with me (or if this is your first time here then hey! thank you for reading this!)

 

 

 

They don't run for too long but as soon as they stop, Changkyun pulls his hand out of the older's grasp.

He isn't scared, no, on the contrary, he didn't flinch when the elder touched him. And that's something he doesn't know what to do with that information. 

To be honest his emotions are a mess. Too much happened in one day and he doesn't know what to think of anyone at this point. He's lost, confused, and a nerve wrecking headache is starting to force its way through his brain. 

He starts rubbing circles on his temples, hoping to calm the pain. Forgetting for a moment that he isn't alone. 

Until the older speaks of course. 

"So here we are. Don't worry, nobody will find us here. It's a quiet and deserted place." 

He almost let a sigh slip out, god he doesn't care and god his head hurts. But politeness comes first so he nods. 

_God just get to the point already._

"So yeah uh. First of all, I wanted to know how you're doing, I know this has been an eventful day for all of us so I can't imagine what it must be for you..." 

_You don't say. Why does he care anyway?_

"Why do you care?" 

He doesn't realize it slipped out of his mouth until the silence he receives hits him in the face. 

Why isn't Hoseok saying anything? He literally just spoke to him like a bitch and he isn't yelling. He isn't saying anything. He isn't even reacting with anything remotely negative. 

And the silence lets his thoughts burst through his brain. Letting out something he doesn't want, but at the same time, he desires so much. Hope. 

What if Jooheon and Hoseok are in fact just being nice to him because they want to be better human beings? And by throwing them off like this, he might be closing the doors to a better relationship with them forever. Because he doesn't hate them, and he hates himself for not hating them.

His head hurts. 

He doesn't know what to think.

He doesn't want to hope.

Because yes, he does want to have a good relationship with all of them one day, and he didn't want to throw Minhyuk into the wall, and he didn't want to yell at Hosoek this morning, and he didn't want to turn down Jooheon like this. Because he doesn't hate them, he could never bring himself to hate them. But this is how weak people think, and Changkyun hates himself for being so weak, he always has been and he'll always be.  

_I'm so weak. I'm so weak I'm weak and useless and they'll never want to make things better with me ever again because who wants to be friend with a weak person like me? I'm weak I'm weak I'm..._

"CHANGKYUN!" 

He flinches, feeling a sudden twinge in his left cheek that reverberates through his brain. 

His breathing calms down.  _Was I hyperventilating?_

He slowly raises his head and his eyes meet the panicked ones of Hoseok. 

"Did you just slap me?" 

He asks. And he can't help to be a bit shocked as he watches the older's eyes open dramatically wide, gaze shifting from his hand to Changkyun's cheek, probably realizing what he's done. 

"Oh my god I'm so sorry I just didn't know what to do you were having a panic attack and when my friend had those that's always what I did when I knew he didn't want to be touched and I just assumed you didn't too but oh my god oh my god oh my d god I just  **hit** you." 

And is Hoseok actually freaking out right now? 

A quick look at the panicked figure in front of him, all heavy unsteady breaths and shifting eyes, is enough of a response. Yes. Indeed. Hoseok is actually freaking out right now. 

 

Maybe it's because today is an emotional rollercoaster and Changkyun's defenses are down. Or maybe he is accepting the fact that he can actually warm up to one of them.

Maybe he realizes he isn't the only one stressed and depressed.

Maybe that's why he reaches out.

Maybe that's why he hugs the older. 

And he doesn't feel uncomfortable the slightest bit when Hoseok circles him with his big arms, a part of him knows he enjoys this. But he'll never ever admit it obviously. 

 

 

When he feels the older calming down, he slowly squirms out of his grasp. Hoseok lets go of him and rest his back on the wall, facing him. He takes a couple of deep breaths, eyes closed. The minutes seem like an eternity for Changkyun and his headache but he's patient, somehow he knows the older needs time. 

After what felts like an eternity, the other's eyes open, finding Changkyun's. And he talks. 

"I had a friend before. He was one of my closest friends, to be frank. We were super close. And like... He had... issues." He fiddles with his fingers and it's almost as if Changkyun can feel how nervous he is. 

He lets him keep going.

"So he had anger problems and nobody really knew why he did: he didn't have any family problems and had a good life in general. He was just not okay, there was no reason actually. And to add up to all that he also had anxiety and often had panic attacks like you did. And uh so that's why I slapped you. Yeah that's what he told me to do and it helped him an all." 

He stops again. Eyes shifting to his feet.

"One day he broke. He hit a teacher. I wasn't here at the time, I was usually able to calm him down but I wasn't here. So he did that. Broke his nose as a matter of fact."

His voice cracks, he looks on the verge of tears and Changkyun is frozen to the spot.

"They took him away after that. I never saw him again."

Oh. 

"So you see I think I can understand why you don't want to believe that I truly started to care about you just because well to be frank not even yesterday I was screaming at you again and again and it might be just the stress of debut that made me go all out on you or maybe I'm truly a bad person. But I saw you. This morning in the practice room it's the first time I've seen you display any type of emotions whatsoever. SoI was shocked because you looked so broken and scared and I Worried. God I've been worried about you for the entire day. You have no idea how much. And then I saw your hands and like he had the same I just. I worry okay? Please. Believe me."

His head goes up and they make eye contact again. Changkyun's heart can't take this sight. Tears stream down his face and his eyes drown in concern.

_He really cares. He really does. It's not a joke. It's not a lie. He really cares about me. I must be dreaming._

He pinches his arm. It stings. He doesn't wake up. It's real. 

And with that thought in mind. He makes the next move and grabs the older's shaking hand.

"I believe you." He manages to say, voice rough, as if he'd scream not only in his head. 

The second after, his voice decide it's best not to do act of presence again and he finds himself mute, mouth opening on and off again. 

Hoseok seems to catches on to this as he sends him a smile: _Thank you_ it says. Changkyun doesn't need to talk anymore. 

He then grabs his hand ever so gently he notices. Again, he doesn't flinch. 

"Let's go back shall we?" 

Hoseok's voice is cheerful again, something he's never been toward Changkyun before and if he's totally honest, it kind of doesn't feel bad. 

He tries to send him his best smile in return.

And they go back to the dorm in a comfortable silence. It feels nice for once. His headache is gone, he made a new ally in the battle against himself. He's not alone for once.

He lets out a small smile. 

 

 

It only lasts a few seconds until he remembers where they are going, smile falling immediately. The ball of anxiety that came to life after leaving the dorm settles in his chest once again. And the closer they get to arriving, the bigger it gets and the more he feels like choking. 

His mind only focuses on one thing. What is waiting for him back there? Are they all gonna act like nothing happened? Is he gonna get kicked out of the band? Did Jooheon tell the others about his hands? Does he hate him now? Is Minhyuk gonna attack him? Are the others gonna hate him even more? 

His head is a mess again, headache back in full force. He feels lost. And when they arrive in front of the building, he almost collapses. 

The way up is a blur. He only wakes up from his mind when he faces the door to the dorm. 

Hoseok is by his sides, waiting, and understanding presence at least. 

He takes a deep breath.

_Stupid Changkyun. What kind of hell hole are you going back to?_

He walks in. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooo what did you think?  
> What did you like? What did you hate?  
> Tell me pleaaaaase 
> 
> Thank you for reading this chapter and I'll see you in 100 years for the next update hihi


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL IT'S BEEN A FUCKING MINUTE HASN'T IT?
> 
> Writer's block suck and I'm sorry  
> I don't deserve all of your support I upload once a month shame on me
> 
> But yeah if you're still here THANK YOU for reading this I hope you'll like this chapter it was actually very painful to write You'll find out why 
> 
> As always I am thankful for every kudos, bookmarks and comments I get thank you again for reading

 

 

 

It happens so fast. All heavy breaths beating hearts and foggy brain.

They're living the best moment of their career.

  
The last notes of Trespass ring in the air.

  
The crowd cheers.

  
Minhyuk is euphoric. His heart on fire. Joy is a weak word compared to what he feels inside his heart.

He made it.

They made it.

At some point, he's sure they're all crying. But his mind doesn't register anything.

 _We finally debuted._ That's the only thing in his mind. The only thing he focuses on. The only thing that matters.

  
The entire showcase is blurry, he doesn't remember a lot. Just this feeling in his chest. Content. Relief. Everything is just how it should be.

He's gonna show the world what Monsta X means. At this moment, they could reach for the stars.

 

 

It's only when they're on their way back that his eyes settle on him, mood shifting from ecstatic to sour in an instant. He forgot about him for a moment...

Everything about this feels wrong. Unfair. Undeserved.

He wishes it was all just a bad dream, that if he closes his eyes, the mistake will disappear. But he's been trying for months now and that's just not happening.

 

It's even more painful now that he lost two of his precious friends because of this. Hoseok is now attached to the little shit's side like a puppy all the time, acting like he cares which is utterly disgusting. It's unbelievable, he hated his huts as much as Minhyuk before.

It all changed that day. That fucking day.

But not only on Hosoeok's side. Jooheon doesn't speak to him anymore. He even glares at him. And Minhyuk has to watch from afar as he pathetically tries to approach Changkyun. That worthless piece of shit doesn't deserve their affection. 

Minhyuk would rather die than to admit he misses them and he'd rather get tortured than to question **his** attitude. Still, seeing them with him makes his blood boil.

  
But he learned the hard way to shut up. He doesn't run his mouth that often. When he closes his eyes he sees the other's, filled with hate, his hand around his throat, squeezing, a fist coming closer and closer to his face. He can't believe he's scared of that piece of shit but he is.

Especially when now he knows something is wrong with his head.

He hasn't talked about it with anyone yet, the pill bottle is hidden at the back of his underwear drawer. He googled it. Tranquilizers, mostly used for anger management issues. Now he knows Changkyun is a crazy kid.

It was almost jubilating to finally have something on the younger. Something justifying his hate. Something that would turn all of them against him he's sure. It turns down his hate a bit. Knowing what kind of power he has on him now.

He mentally scoffs. Crazy people like him belong in a psych ward, not in a Kpop group.

He shouldn't be here. He just needs to find to right time to expose him. And everything will go back to normal. 

 

When they arrive at the dorms, he feels better.

Their manager ordered them some takeout. His smile widens when he sees everyone rushing to the table, eyes twinkling. Everyone but Changkyun. Good for him.

_I don't want him here._

Unfortunately, not everybody shares his opinion.

 

"Changkyun! Come here eat a bit!" Hoseok yells, looking over to the younger man.

 

All eyes are on him and Minhyuk can't hide his disgust. _God, why does this kid needs to eat?_ He's so fat. So undeserving. So disgustingly awkward, shifting his balance, eyes cast downwards.

 

"I'm not that hungry hyung." He mumbles. And he couldn't sound even more pathetic. Minhyuk has to fight back a scoff. Instead, he decides to open his mouth. Because really who can stop him.

 

"Come on Hoseok leave him. He doesn't need to eat all this greasy food have you looked at him?" He replies.

 

Hyungwon laughs. He's the only one. _What the fuck is wrong with everyone?_ His gaze shifts and he turns to stone. The glare he receives from Hoseok shuts him down in an instant. It's petrifying really. He's never been the one on the receiving end of the other's hate. It's unbearable. 

 

"Minhyuk I'm going to be nice because this is a happy moment that I don't want to ruin. But if you keep talking I'm going to make you swallow this filthy tongue of yours." His voice is cold and terrifying and it sends a wave of hatred in himself, tingling his nerves.   _What exactly did that kid do to brainwash him that much?_

 

"Come on Changkyun come and eat with us. We need to celebrate don't we?" The voice is honey dripping sweet and it makes him want to puke. 

_That fucking kid doesn't deserve his kindness._

 

 

The rest of the meal actually flies really fast. He focuses on the important people and overall has a good time. And God did he miss junk food.

 

It's pretty late when he gets ready for sleep. He can't help to feel the energy of the stage run through him all over again. It's like he can still hear the cheers of their new fans ringing in his ears and warming up his heart. He brushes his teeth, walks past Hoseok, Jooheon and Changkyun on the couch doing god knows what to the younger's knuckles. _Don't know, don't care. This is not going to ruin my night._

He's so tired when he finally reaches his bed. Sleep is welcoming him with a warm hug of congratulation.  
He thinks of his parents, the praises he received from them earlier. He thinks of all these greats things in his life and finally debut. He drifts off to stage lights fading and a beating heart. 

 

 

  
Except he wakes up at 3 a.m because of how thirsty he is.

He slowly gets out of bed, trying not to make any sounds. He's an expert in sneaking out for snacks. So without any sounds, he travels from his room to the kitchen, grabs a glass, fills it with water and drowns it in one go.

Because he is a man of impatience and his sleep was ruined, he decides to go right away to the bathroom. Just in case. Only to find it locked. 

Someone's in there. That's strange because he didn't hear anything and he's a pretty light sleeper. 

What's even weirder is that, when he listens carefully, he hears an odd sound. As if someone's sick or something. He sticks his ear to the door only to take a step back shortly after. 

  
Scratch that thought, somebody IS vomiting in the bathroom.

 

His heart overflows with worry. Did one of his precious members get sick because of the takeout? He runs to the kitchen to get a glass of water and some medicine when he hears to the door opening.

And turning around he almost drops the glass.

It must be the lighting. Because Changkyun looks like a corpse. He's only wearing sweatpants, completely shirtless, and the sight of his stomach makes Minhyuk take a step back to rest himself on something.  
Body sickly thin, ribs poking out, the younger man's appearance is scary. But not in the scary way of dark eyes and hand squeezing his throat. Scary in the way he looks: so utterly and completely vulnerable...

It feels like a punch in the gut. Because not only does he get that HE was to one puking. He realizes HE has been doing it for a long time.

He focuses his eyes somewhere else than the abnormal proportions of the other's body and meets his eyes. Bad idea. Changkyun is looking right at him, eyes blown wide, clearly horrified. He's ever so still. Waiting for Minhyuk to react. It almost feels like Changkyun is scared of him. 

And Minhyuk has no idea how to react. He feels stuck. His brain fried.

 

But he hates the kid. He really fucking hates him. He stole other people's places, he stole his best friends, and he's a violent piece of shit who needs to be hospitalized.  _I hate him I hate him I hate him._ He focuses on these thoughts as he walks up to the guy, sends him his most deadly glare and whispers as he walks by him a quick **"Loser."** before rushing back to his room.

His heart beats deep and fast in his chest when he crawls back to bed. But this time, there are no stage lights and cheering crowd. It's all just pale skin anf unhealthy body proportions. He flips and turns over and over again. Eyes closed, mind at full speed.

 

 

He doesn't sleep well that night. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooo  
> Yep.  
> I did a big jump in time and it doesn't come after the last chapter I hope you don't mind. I actually started to work on a Kihyun's pov that came right after but I couldn't even come up with 500 words so I changed it I hope it's not bothering you. 
> 
> So feedbacks. Did you like it? Did you love it? Did you hate it? tell me. 
> 
> I'll see you in the next chapter (I mean let's be honest next month)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3 months later...  
> Well happy new year  
> My new year's resolution is to update more often  
> Could you tell? 
> 
>  
> 
> As always every kudos, bookmarks or comments are very appreciated  
> Enjoy!!! (also a slight tw for this chapter tho it's not that graphic it's still noticeable)

 

 

**Changkyun is tired. He thought going back to Korea was going to make things better. That his father, back to his homeland, would be gentler. That he would not be the only little Asian kid who doesn't speak that well anymore.**

**Not only does he not have any friends. But his father is even more violent.**

**He closes his eyes, wincing a little as he feels his ribs, standing in the bathroom watching his appearance in the mirror. The bruises from last time are almost gone. So that's good.**

**He ignores the fact that his ribs are now strikingly prominent and so are his hipbones. That his stomach is now nonexistent. He ignores that. Control comes with a cost.**

**Still shirtless, he gets out of the bathroom and heads to the living room unsuspectingly.**

**But his eyes meet another very familiar pair and his entire body freezes.**

**His father. His father is standing right in front of him. And behind him stand two of his colleagues.**

**Changkyun stays frozen to his spot until he realizes the colleagues are gone.** **The only thing left is the burning glare of the older man.**

**Then, slowly, he unbuckles his belt, disgust marking his features.**

**"Why are you such a failure Changkyun? You just got me in a lot of trouble now don't you think?"**

**As he speaks, Changkyun can only stare in horror as his features slowly morph into ones of another well-known pair of eyes. Minhyuk.**

**His face filled with hatred, he raises the hand holding the belt high and Changkyun stumbles to the ground. Whimpering excuses and pleas that fall into insensitive ears.**

**The terrifying voice lowers.**

**"I'm gonna make your life a living hell. Loser."**

**And on those words, he slams his arm down.**

 

 

 

Changkyun wakes up screaming, his face stained with tears, heart beating fast. Adrenaline rushes through his entire body. He starts breathing more and more heavily. 

He can't stay here. Minhyuk is literally in the same room as him.

He can't.

He can't. 

He gets up in a hurry and heads to the kitchen, fills a glass full of water and drowns it in one go. 

He can't stop breathing fast. He can't shake off the memory of that day, that fateful day... only now his father's face is replaced by Minhyuk's. 

He feels the familiar ball of anger form in his chest. 

Why can't he have the normal life he wants?

_I escaped. I ran away. Why does this come and hunt me now? Why can't this ever let me go?_

All of this because of Minhyuk. 

No.

All of this because of himself. 

This is all his fault. If he had just controlled himself and his emotions things wouldn't be this way. 

 

And why can't he breathe normally?

His frustration grows. And it gets intense, overwhelming, overpowering. 

His grip tightens around the glass as he struggles to keep his sanity intact. Ever since he stumbled across Minhyuk at night that day, his relapses have been more frequent and more intense. 

He closes his eyes. Tries to calm himself. But there is just no calming down. There is nothing he can do. He doesn't control himself anymore.

His knuckles hurt like hell from the tight grip he has and he finally snaps. 

His hand clutching the glass lifts high and slams back down on the counter. Hard. 

The glass shatters. His grip doesn't losen. He can feel the piece he holds in his end slicing into his skin. So he grips tighter. 

He needs to calm down. To focus on something. So he spaces out as he watches blood pooling out of his sealed fist.

He doesn't feel the pain anymore. The memories fade. His breathing calms down. His mind wonders somewhere else, somewhere other than the shithole he is and has been in for his entire life. 

 

He doesn't notice the footsteps. 

He doesn't notice a figure coming out of the shadows. 

He doesn't notice a very loud gasp of horror. 

 

Suddenly he is pulled harshly by the waist. he flinches, hard, and whimpers.

Terrified, he tries to scream.

But someone beats him to it. 

"Changkyun what the fuck?!" 

That nagging voice... 

He tenses. And turns around.

Realization hitting him, he drops the glass shard from his hold, wincing as it tears out of his skin.

He lowers his head. His eyes are tearing up. 

_What did I do?_

"Changkyun! Look at me!" 

The unknown hands travel from his waist to his chin and gently but forcefully force his head up. 

 

To say Kihyun looks pissed would be an understatement. But Changkyun doesn't only see pissed. 

But it couldn't be concern right? 

"Changkyun, what happened?" 

The main vocal's voice is gentle. And that is, definitely, concern. 

Why would it be concern? Why would he care?  _He resents me._

Changkyun tenses up again. He breaks off the eye contact. 

"It doesn't concern you hyung. I will clean up the kitchen so don't worry about this. You can go back to bed." 

His voice is cold but quivering as he fails so suppress his hopes and apprehensions. 

The hand on his chin lowers in defeat. 

"You think I only care about the kitchen?" 

The tone surprises Changkyun. For some reason. Kihyun sounds so... sad, dejected, miserable. 

He scoffs in his mind. Trying his best to shut down any glimmer of hope that sparks in his guts. 

_He is not Hoseok Changkyun, you got lucky with one, you can't have all of them suddenly tolerating you. **Know your place.**_

He puts his mask on again. Composing himself. 

"Come on hyung. We all know you don't give two fucks about me. Excuse my language but we are merely colleagues. If you even think it's acceptable to treat your colleagues like that... Now I have to clean up the kitchen because you may not know it. But I don't really like being yelled at every single day." 

He bites back. And directly looks up again.

Only to see the main vocal's eyes, huge in disbelief and wet with thousands of tears. 

He hiccups. 

"Chan... Changkyun...." 

But said Changkyun is having none of that shit. His night is already shitty enough and he doesn't need another layer of emotions and deceptions. He pushes past him, telling him that he should clean up the kitchen himself and heads to the bathroom to check on his wound. 

 

 

 

The cut looks bad. It's deep. The blood still doesn't stop flowing and he starts feeling lightheaded. He wraps it up tightly and heads back to his room, quietly making up his mind about what he should do. 

 

That's how all dressed up, at 5 a.m, he stands in front of the entrance, anxiety stopping him from going out. He can still hear the sound of muffled sobs and glass shards being picked up but he doesn't care. He can't seem to make a move to go out. 

He really doesn't want to start panicking again. But just the mere thought of going to that place makes him want to vomit a meal he didn't even eat. 

He can't lie to himself anymore. He needs someone. Especially now. 

So he heads to the only person he can think of. His only friend. The only person he trusts, even only a little bit. 

 

The bedroom is dark and quiet, feeding Changkyun's inner anxiety demons. 

"Hoseok hyung" he whispers, shaking him a bit while trying to control his own tremors. 

"Hoseok hyung" 

A groan is heard until the shape turns around and big sleepy eyes meet him. 

"Changkyun?" 

"Are you awake?" 

The older groans again. 

"I am now." 

He takes a deep breath, his one working palm sweating, the rest of his body trembling. Why is it so hard? 

"I'm going to the hospital. Can you go with me?" 

He doesn't want his voice to sound so small but it does. And that seems to click something in Hoseok's brain because he bolts out of his bed and stares right into his soul. Eyes meeting his, probably to make sure he isn't shitting him. 

When he seems to get the answer he wants, he runs out, muttering a "give me 5 minutes" and rushes out of the bedroom. 

 

 

That's how all dressed up, at 5:30 a.m, he stands in front of the entrance, anxiety stopping him from going out. There is no sound of muffled sobs and glass shards being picked up anymore. And somebody is there to hold his hand. 

He looks up into Hoseok's warm eyes and attempts to smile back. 

"Let's go." 

And they go out, leaving in the dorm four obliviously sleeping members, and one shaken up main vocalist. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooo   
> I don't really like this chapter. Who am I kidding I don't like my writing that much but I know I'm being way too self-critical.   
> So I need real critics. What did you think?   
> I read every comment I get and try to respond to all of them. So please comment it would be gladly appreciated. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope you're still here with me and will not give up on me because I take a long time uploading. (and if you do that's totally understandable you do you I'm not mad) 
> 
> Anyways see you next time!!!

**Author's Note:**

> If you don't know where I'm going with this well neither do I so let's get through this together.  
> Jk I just don't know how long it's going to take for me to finish this.  
> But there's a lot happening in this fic (and at the same time in my head)  
> so bear with me okay?


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